Sweet Silence

I spent some time today reading all of the posts on this website and laughing at my goofy self. I look back on those days knowing that I was not in a healthy place in my life but also with no regret. Those days were full of life long lessons, even if I had to learn them the hard way.
One of my favorite posts was the one where I talked about the things I wanted to accomplish before I embarked on a serious relationship. I wanted to smoke three packs of cigarettes per day. I wanted to keep Aldo and Fossil in business on my own by purchasing every single shoe and purse they had to offer and I wanted to become someone I would want to date (without the man parts as I put it in a very intelligent manner (sarcasm)).
Well, I never smoked three packs of cigarettes per day because my lungs simply could not handle that sort of treatment. I bought plenty of shoes that ultimately ended up in the trash because my dog ate them. And the purse thing? I am too picky when it comes to purses so I never found any that I liked enough to pay that much money for. Don’t get me wrong, I found a fair share. But as far as single-handedly keeping Fossil in business (they make my favorite purses)? Yeah, not a chance.

I did, however, come closer to becoming someone who I would want to date. Sort of. After countless failed attempts at relationships with men who either didn’t like me enough or liked me too much, in January of 2010 I called it quits on some things. First, I purposely became a hermit. I needed this time to focus on myself. I needed to become healthier, not only physically but mentally. I needed to focus on work, my family and the things that made ME happy. For years, although I was acting tough in relationships and trying to show everyone that I didn’t care that I had just been stood up or acting like it was hilarious that a guy came over and pissed in a water bottle and left it on my kitchen counter or thinking that a fun date consisted of getting drunk in a movie theatre parking lot and then attempting to watch a kids movie or wondering if the guy I was seeing who lived 4 hours away was ever going to take time out of his weekend to actually come see me instead of vice versa…. despite acting like those things were for the sole purpose of telling my girlfriends awesome and hilarious stories, it hurt. It hurt my heart, it hurt my head, it effected my work, it effected my bank account (because there were also men I dated who couldn’t pay for their own dadgum taco at Taco Bell). It consumed my thoughts when I was alone and it consumed my conversations with the people I cared about. It was unhealthy.
So I stopped. I quit going to bars. I quit drinking. I wish I could say I quit the dirty smoking habit…. that’s something I am currently working on though! I quit dating and I quit wishing for a real man. I just stopped.

It was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life.

Eleven years ago when I was 18 years old, me and my family lived south of Tulsa about a mile away from Glenpool. My mom had just started a new job which she loved and my dad, as usual, was working what seemed like 4 full-time jobs to keep the roof over our heads and food in our mouths. It was  a hard time. The house we lived in smelled like something had died under it. I had red and white striped bed sheets on my windows as makeshift curtains. I regularly took cd’s, movies, etc to Vintage Stock and other places to get extra money for gas or food. It was hard.  
One day my mom came home and said that a guy she worked with was coming over to look at our pasture and see about brush hogging it. Ok, cool – right?

That one small moment in time when that guy showed up at our house to look at our pasture changed my life forever.

Time went on and this random guy ended up coming over more and more often. He was in his early 20′s, very handsome with dark hair and dark eyes and a giant heart that I swear you could see right through his chest it was so big. He was kind. He was a smart ass. He had a way of making me feel like I hung the moon but also an inch tall all at the same time. He ended up asking me out one night via email and I turned him down. I did it because I was scared…. about to graduate high school with the goal of eventually going to veterinary school, a family that was going through extremely difficult times, and the fear that if I fell for someone, I would never get back up again – in a bad way. I turned him down and for 10 years I always wondered “what if?”.

Time went by. I never went to veterinary school but I did get to live in Philadelphia for three months and then I moved to Phoenix for another three months. I was learning and growing every day. Sometimes I was growing up but most of the time I felt like I was growing down. You know that song by U2 called Running to Stand Still? That was me.
I landed a job at an oil and gas company here in Tulsa and from that point on, things got even crazier. The more I worked, the more I gained respect and trust in the company. With that came higher positions and more money. I felt like I was the shit! I could do no wrong! I was supporting myself and paying my own bills and I didn’t even have a degree. Hell, I was making more money than the friends I had who DID graduate from college! I had hit the jackpot!

Enter: a dating life

The bigger my ego got, the more douchebags I let myself attract. I did it to myself. Yeah, they suck for treating me like crap, but I am the one who let them. I am the one who answered their phone calls. I am the one who wasted my voice arguing with them or trying to become what they wanted me to be so they would stick around for longer than 2 weeks. I did that. Not them.

All of this hit me after dating a guy who had no respect for me. He drank too much and got into fights. He would tell me that he wanted to be with me always and forever and then a week later he was with someone else. He freaked out and didn’t answer my phone call when I called him “babe” once – even though he called me that all the time. When we would go out and drink, I paid his $100 + tab because he had no job, no car, and nowhere to live except his stepdad’s house whom I was creeped out by in the first place. He was bad news. And after a year of this, he was the last straw.

I started a new routine for myself – I found out that I am one for routines and schedules. I woke up at 6:00 in the morning, got to work around 7:30, got off work by 6:30pm, came home, made myself a turkey sandwich, worked out for an hour or two, took a shower, went to bed and did it all over again the next day. The weekends were reserved for house keeping and family time. I even moved about 20 minutes south of Tulsa in order to get away from the chaos and drama. The lack of blog posts you see? That silence was a very good thing.

I had never forgotten about Jesse, the guy my mom hired to come out and do work around our pasture. I thought of him quite regularly, honestly. He was the only man I had ever met that made me feel like I was a woman who deserved to be treated with respect. Even when I didn’t treat myself with respect, I knew that he would have.
One day I was on a professional networking website updating my contacts and looking at the opportunities Tulsa had to offer (not because I was looking to leave my current company but because I was curious about the job market), and I came across something that made my heart literally come up out of my chest, into my throat, back down into my chest, into my belly swirl around a little bit and dive right back into my chest with enough force to make me think I was a 20-something year old having a massive heart attack. It was him. Jesse. We had lost contact after I had graduated high school but he was still working at the same place my mom had worked at when we lived in that area. The companies both him and I work for deal with some of the same clients and there he was. Plain as day – Jesse M. Craig.

I called my mom asking her if that was him and could she please email him because I didn’t think he would remember me. She did and after two weeks, there was no response from him. But then, one day my mom calls me out of the blue. At this point I had decided that he either A.) didn’t get on that site anymore or B.) was freaked the eff out – so I had basically just quit thinking about it. But she called me and the first words out of her mouth were “he answered me back and he wants to know how you are”. Some of you may know me in real life. If you have, I will put money on the table that you have seen me dance. If you haven’t – think Elaine on Seinfeld. Now add the macarena and maybe a poor attempt at the moonwalk and most definitely the running man and the sprinkler…. you might have an idea now! That’s me! And that’s what I did in the middle of the parking lot at work. Turns out, he lived a mile from me. ONE mile. And one week after the first email he had sent me in 10 years, I came out of hiding and entered into the most amazing, fun, ridiculously romantic relationships I have ever had.

Jesse Craig – this is for you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Everyday I thank God for allowing me the pleasure to spend the past year and 3 months with you, to love you, to be loved by you, and to plan a long life with you.

You are mine and that’s it, forever.

Dear Hayley

The past year has made me realize that I want kids. I have no idea what happened to me. I have always been against having babies because I considered myself too selfish for that nonsense. When my friends had babies, I was so excited for them. I mean, they were not selfish by any means and they have made amazing parents. But me? I knew I couldn’t hack it and I never wanted to put a child through that.

Now? Screw it. I may be selfish but dammit, I want a baby. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to start your own family.

I prayed and prayed that God would make you fussy and loud and ugly. I prayed that you would never sleep and that you would refuse to eat and that you would poop your pants every 5 seconds. I was hoping for temper tantrums and bright red cheeks from screaming so much. And what happened?? YOU ARE THE MOST CALM BABY EVER. Hayley, COME ON DUDE! BE BAD! Now is your chance to throw fits whenever you want, to throw up at the most inappropriate times and on the most inappropriate items in the most inappropriate places. This is one of the only times in your life where it will be acceptable to shit your pants anytime you want! You can yell and scream and wallah! You get fed! I really needed you to take advantage of these rare opportunities. I was really counting on you to remind me that babies are annoying and not worth anyone’s time. I needed you to remind me that my shoe collection is way more important than an annoying screaming gross baby.

You are perfect in every way. Absolutely gorgeous.

I want to talk for a minute about how special your mom is. It is so weird calling her “your mom”… I feel like I should be going into one of those lame “your mom” jokes. Jokes that are so lame now, by the time you get old enough to understand them, they will be so lame you will probably cry and poop yourself. Guess what! By that time it won’t be acceptable to do that!! Are ya following me yet!?

Your mom. My sister. My best friend. She is the most amazing person in the world and I have no doubt that you agree with me, even now at three days old. I mean, that woman keeps you alive! But one day, you will need her in a deeper level than just a bottle or a butt wipe. One day you will feel like your world is crashing down all around you. You will go through things that, at the time, seem like a boulder has been put on your chest and there is no way for air to enter or exit your lungs until someone lifts that boulder off of you. Hayley, your mom will be there. And if something happens to your mom and she can’t make it fast enough, I will be there. Between the two of us, you will have constant support and love. I know this because I know your mom as well as I know myself. And the reason I know myself is because I know your mom.

Another thing I know about your mom is that she is not happy when she wakes up in the mornings, so be very careful from the hours of 6am to 12pm. However, if you decide to become brave, this is also the best time in the world to get some quality entertainment out of her. Want to know how to do this? You can be EXTREMELY chipper in the morning and start having really like totally awesome and totally fun conversations with her about how beautiful life is and how much you just love EVERYONE around you because you love their hair and that one shirt that the girl in your class was wearing and how you are planning to make your mom a big huge heart out of construction paper and glitter and red markers and then you are going to run up to her after school and give it to her in front of everyone because you just LOVE life that much and by the way you will need to know what is for dinner because you are thinking about inviting your WHOLE ENTIRE class over for the most SPECIAL meal of the day and then you want to take the leftovers to the park and feed all of the cute little squirrels and maybe the ducks and you want your mom to spin you on the tire swing and play with the puppies and then it will be time for everyone to go home and go to bed so that the next morning will come sooner and you can make the next day EVEN MORE SPECIAL AND FUN! When you do this, make sure I am there. I would like to be entertained as well.

Hay, you have got so much life ahead of you and I am so honored to be your aunt. To be able to sit and watch you grow. My hope is that you grow into an amazing woman with passion, drive, and a sensitive heart. That you are quick to give everything you have to those who may need it more than you. Someone who understands that at the end of the day, you will have only a few things and those things have nothing to do with possessions or money or power. I pray that you strive to understand God’s love for you and for those around you and I pray that you base the way you live your life on that understanding.

I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling down the avenue
No there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love

- Bob Dylan

Throwing you for a loop

This particular post you are about to read (or not read, depending on how boring it is) is not something typical of me. I have stated once or maybe twice that my spiritual life is very important to me. But I don’t normally go into any sort of detail unless I am asked. I don’t want to push my beliefs onto others. You want to sit and have a cup of coffee or a beer and discuss it though? I’m game! This is something I LOVE to talk about, I just don’t feel like I get to very often. Hence, the blog post.

When I was little, my dad was a pastor and every night before I went to bed, we would sit on the couch and read one Bible story. Then he would kiss me goodnight and I would head off to sleep and not question one word that was read to me. I miss that so much! Because the older I got, the more confused I became over this one particular event in the Old Testament. The Old Testament, to me, is already a challenge as it is and that is why I have such a passion for it. I would much rather sit and dissect that than the New Testament any day. Not that I don’t like the New Testament, because um, well, without that second part of the Bible I believe I would be, not just screwed but royally fucked. See? I say cuss words. But at least I’m honest, right? I mean, screwed just isn’t a big enough word. Sorry if that offends anyone. I love to sit and analyze Romans. And Hebrews? One of my favorites. But the OT is just so extreme. I mean, God was pissed through a lot of it. And the things that happened? On the outside they are just some dude magically splitting the Red Sea. And some other dude who threw a stone at a giant and killed him and then later in life became a king and sat on his roof and wrote a bunch of songs. But when you really get in there and dig and analyze and pull it apart? Whoa. It can be insane. “Splitting the Red Sea” can be symbolic for a lot of things we come across in our everyday struggles.

Back to the event that has always baffled me though (Exodus 32). I have always sat and read about how God and Jacob wrestled and you know what? I just didn’t get it. Why? WHY? Why in the world would God come down and wrestle with him all night long? Especially because, at this point in time, Jacob is on his way to make amends with his brother, Esau. And it’s because Jacob had done a really crappy thing way before then and he had stolen Esau’s birthright. So I mean I read this and I’m all “Dude. Seriously. Jacob did a crappy thing and all, but why are you wrestling with him now?? Why didn’t you do this a long time ago?” Jacob’s all trying to make things right and God has to go and make it even harder on him. And then to top it off, God has to mess up Jacob’s hip in the process. Crappy!

So I was sitting in  my living room the other night going over this again. And again. And again. And then I thought, “I really really wish my grandpa was still alive so I could call him and ask what the CRAP is going on here. I am 26 and I still am not understanding this and that’s just sad and embarrassing because this is one of those common stories in the OT that everyone knows and somehow understands but I just don’t get it.” I wanted to cry. So, instead of calling Grandpa, because he’s in Heaven and plus I bet he would just laugh at me and say something like “haha! I know the answer and YOU DON’T!” I called my dad.
My dad’s personality is similar to Grandpa’s so when I read him what I was looking at and said that I didn’t understand he was all “Well. I don’t see what you don’t understand. It’s pretty self explanatory”. What?? Really? AM I REALLY THAT STUPID???
He proceeded to answer my questions with answers like “that’s just the way it happened” and “don’t you know the story?”. After getting really frustrated with him I finally gave him very detailed questions. Yes, I knew the story. Yes, I knew the circumstances that led up to this. Yes, I know what the name Jacob means. Yes, I know what happens after this. What I don’t know is why now? Why did God do this now??
And then Dad said one little thing and everything clicked. It was like I had finally found my other shoe. One was under the coffee table in my living room and the other one was buried under the pile of clothes in my bathroom and I finally had both of them in my hands!
This is what we discussed (this is the longest post in history, hopefully you’re still with me here).

First off, I don’t know about you, but when I come across a really hard situation in my life where I know I need to step up and do the right thing, even though it may cost something significant (in Jacob’s case, it was his life), I always make sure there is a way out. A Plan B. An easy escape if things get too hard or risky. I’m not talking about things like holding the door open for an elderly person. I am talking about big things. Things that might not fit your personality. Things that stretch you to your limits. Things like getting on a plane and flying to a country that doesn’t allow the Word of God beyond it’s borders and serving people there with the love of Jesus.
Before Jacob called it a night, he sent all the people that were with him ahead and told them that he would be behind them. He would meet up with them later. I have heard a lot of people say that they think Jacob was praying. He needed time alone to get his thoughts together. Maybe they are right, I don’t know. I wasn’t there and I’m not Jacob, but my assumption is that he was scared shitless. This dude stole his brother’s birthright and his brother would have had every right to kill him for it. I think Jacob sent everyone ahead so that it would be easier for him to leave if he felt the need. He didn’t have the accountability around him anymore. This was his Plan B.
I think this is also why God came down and wrestled with him. First off, it was a distraction. Jacob can’t leave when God is going all MMA on him. Second off, it proved how much Jacob really wanted to make amends. How much he really wanted God to bless him. Do you realize how huge this is??
I think it is absolutely incredible that no one defeated the other one. God may have hurt Jacob’s hip in the process but did that stop Jacob? No. God told Jacob to give up already. Just give in. And you know what Jacob said? “Dude, Hell no. I’m not letting go until you bless me”.
So God did. He gave renamed him Isreal and he blessed him right there.

Had I been Jacob in that situation I think I would have surprised myself. I think I would have been like “Did I really just do that?? Seriously?” But it shows that when we want something bad enough, we fight for it. And sometimes I think we don’t realize just how bad we want something until it comes down to some mad crazy kung fu skillz. And when it is something that will bring God honor, he supports us. He blesses us.

So all of this is to say that God wasn’t being mean and obnoxious when he went down there and decided to pick on poor little Jacob. He was doing him a huge favor. He was making sure history went according to His plan.

The End.

I am not allowed to be around animals that are up for adoption ANYMORE.

Let me introduce you all to Rudy/ Lucifer / Diablo / Beelzebub / Kevin. Rudy is such a sweet name for this demon of a cat. I mean, I like him. Don’t get me wrong. But do you realize how RUDE he is? Last night, I was passed out. Completely asleep. Apparently my foot was sticking out from under my blanket because all of a sudden something tried eating my big toe. The Devil wanted to rip it right off of my foot. Why? I think it’s because he was jealous of Ace getting to sleep up next to me in his normal spot. Satan wanted it. So he ate my toe.
So what happened for me to bring home this random kitten? Well, I went to PetsMart to look at fish. I got inspired by an interior design store in Tulsa and decided that I wanted a big huge bowl of goldfish as a centerpiece on a tablethingy I made a long time ago. Do you realize how awesome it would have looked? Freaking awesome. Anyway, in order to get to the fish section, you have to pass by the cute whittle kitties that are up for adoption. I have been thinking about getting another cat but I kept talking myself out of it. Anyway. I went in the little room and there was this adorable little gray kitten who crawled up in my lap and batted at my hand and chased a feather and purred and meowed. How was I supposed to walk away from that?? Especially when he reminded me a little bit of Sam. Ugh. After having him in my home for less than 24 hours, I have learned that he is a BIG FAT LIAR. This cat is not sweet. He is a bitch. So I have an A-Hole and a Bitch for cats. I know it seems like I am complaining but honestly? I think it’s way more fun that way.
So. Instead of walking out with fish, I walked out with a 7 month old kitten named Kevin (obviously we aren’t sticking with that name).

You know, this is kind of wierd, but he really resembles Randall a little bit. Randall is the Prez of the company I work for and he likes to argue with me way too much.

Dear Friends:
Rudy/ Lucifer / Diablo / Beelzebub

Randall:

So maybe I should just name the cat Randall? I’m seriously thinking about it. Your help in this dilemma of mine would be greatly appreciated. And just for shits and giggles, her is Acey-PooBear just because I love him so much.

New Year’s Resolution / MUSIC!!!

So it’s January 2nd and I still have not made a resolution for the year. Not that I was planning to… last year I didn’t and ’08 was one of the best years of my life. But maybe I will this year. Maybe I will set some goals for myself. I was reading some celebrity gossip (I promise, I don’t do it very often. But I am at home because I am sick and bored out of my mind, so there’s my excuse). Anyway, Cameron Diaz had the perfect resolution. So, I am going to steal hers:

“I have always had the same New Year resolutions: to stop smoking, to start wearing a bra and to stop shopping.”

Just to let you know, I do in fact wear a bra. But sometimes I don’t… but that’s only when I am sitting at home. Or when I take Joey outside and it’s dark. So I don’t feel like I need that to be a resolution of mine, but it’s funny so I’m leaving it alone.

I have been sick for the past four days (today’s date is January 3rd, not the 2nd.I started the post on the second but I am just now finishing up these three paragraphs. Maybe I should make a resolution of “STOP PROCRASTINATING AND FINISH WHAT YOU START, WOMAN!”) and today I actually got a burst of energy. I have been exhausted and lazy and bored the entire time so to actually get up and decide to clean was a major big deal. I tried to yesterday but after I vacuumed a corner of my living room and picked up some clothes off the floor, all I wanted was a nap. So depressing! Anyway, while I was going through some of my cd’s, I found a sample cd from Paste Magazine. On it is a band called Mr. Gnome and, my friends, they are fantastic! I wanted to post a couple of their videos for you to watch, and we can consider this my first music post of 2009.
Obviously, since I am sitting here writing about how awesome these guys are, that means I got distracted and my kitchen probably has grown little green and purple elves under the sink. Little elves that are eating the brand new bag of chips I opened and then left on the counter so they could just become stale and gross. And then when I clean it, the elves are going to get pissed off. And tonight, while I am sleeping, they will come and tie me to my bed with some string they never leave home without and then I will wake up and wonder why I am tied down. Then I will look around and see that these cute little elves cleaned my apartment for me! And the only payment they will require is that I leave another bag of chips open on the counter. And maybe this time some old milk?
I think I can handle that.

Wait. What???

Night of the Crickets:

Pirates (this video is a little rough around the edges, but I love the song, so deal with it)

On answering the phone

Last night I was talking to Justin and I just want to bring some things to your attention. First though, here is the conversation we had in a nutshell:

Me: So what are you doing for New Years?
Justin: I’ll probably be asleep by midnight.
M: I’m gonna call you then.
J: There’s this awesome thing about cell phones, you can put them on SILENT.
M: I answer your calls when I’m asleep.
J: That’s because you live for your phone to ring.
M: You’re implying that I have no life, I am lame, and all I do is sit around and wait for my phone to ring. Sometimes people call and I don’t want to talk, so I let it go to voicemail. Other times someone calls and I want to talk, so  I answer. Take it as a compliment!
J: I do! But if you’re busy, don’t answer. I would rather leave a voicemail telling you to call me back rather than listen to you tell me that you have to call me back later.
M: Fine. I didn’t know this was an issue.

Today I randomly picked up the phone and decided to call him. Just to say hey. You know, whatever. This was the conversation:

J: What’s up?
M: Nothing, what are you up to?
J: Sitting at the baggage claim at the airport.
M: So you want me to let you go?
J: Yeah, can I call you back later?
Me: SURE!

Moral of the story?
Justin breaks his own rules.

This is so boring I can’t even think of a good title

Do you know how many posts I have started and then never finished in the past couple of weeks? A lot. That’s how much. I have no idea what to write about… there isn’t really anything too exciting going on for me. Actually, I take that back. There are a few things that I am super excited about, but some of those things are not ready to be disclosed on my blog yet .

My Christmas was absolutely amazing. You know what I did? Nothing. Except I DID get to go shopping for people, which, if you know me, you know that this is something I LOVE. The only things I hate about it are standing in line and trying to walk down the same aisle with your shopping cart while someone is coming at you with theirs. It’s like that one game I used to play when I was little… there would be two of us on a balance beam and then you would grab hands and see who would knock the other person off. What’s that called? I can’t remember for the life of me right now. But I always lost because I was always too nice to push the other person off. And to this day, when I am forced down a tiny aisle with a huge basket and someone else is forcing their way through, chances are I will smile, say excuse me, turn my basket around while attempting to not knock everything off the shelves, and avoid the situation entirely. I do not do well shopping in crowded areas.
But besides all of that, my favorite part about this past week was watching my parents and my sister open their incredibly random gifts from me. You want to know what I got my sister??? Yes?? Well. It’s a waffle maker. But not just any waffle maker. This dude makes waffles in the shape of ROSES. I thought it was the coolest thing I had ever seen, and only someone like my sister and I would appreciate such a random invention.

As a gift to myself I went ahead and bought new furniture over the weekend. I have a friend who is getting married soon and next month he is moving into his first apartment in Tulsa. When I bought my furniture a few years ago, he called dibs on it if I ever wanted to get rid of it. So last week I called him up and asked if he was still interested. Forty-five minutes later, the dude was at my apartment testing out how comfy the couch and love seat were and then he claimed them. So, I was kinda forced to get new stuff. Once it is delivered (hopefully tomorrow or Wednesday) I will take some photos and upload them. I am pretty dang pumped about getting some new stuff in here. I spent all day yesterday rearranging and reorganizing. I pulled out every single one of my books and actually put them out on my bookshelf and I even put them in alphabetical order according to the author’s last name. Shut it, I used to be a librarian. It just makes sense.

New Years is coming up and I plan on celebrating by watching Marley and Me with Kari and then heading over to my new regular hangout spot and having a few drinks with some new friends of mine. I probably won’t write again anytime soon, just because I am boring. So I hope you all had awesome holidays with your families and have a great New Years!