Since I am ashamed of the fact that I have ignored this wonderful site for so long, I am just going to play dumb and act like I’ve been here the whole time.
Number one: I hate summer. I. Hate. Summer. Not my friend Summer, I think she’s cool. But the season is miserable. Like, I want to go into a three month coma and wake up right before my birthday when things start cooling off again. Speaking of my birthday, this year I am turning a year closer to 30. I am terrified. First off, that means that people’s expectations regarding my maturity will increase. Second off, that means that I will realize, yet again, that my dadgum biological clock is ticking and I am this much closer to being the old lady on the corner with 104 cats that have not been spayed or neutered and my house will just be filled with litter boxes, roaches, fast food sacks, glasses with old milk, and I will probably weigh about 800 pounds and then I will be on TV because someone will think it’s good quality entertainment to show America my messy house, crazy cats, and then they will lift me out of my bed with a gigantic crane and carry me to the hospital so I can get gastric bypass. And in the meantime, someone will be bathing me with a rag while I sit in my bed and I will be embarrassed and my family will disown me. And when the interview crew asks to speak to them, they will tell everyone that I self medicated with food and the reason I have so many cats is because I just love to cuddle but no one else wants to cuddle with me. And since cats are too judgmental and I don’t have to take them outside to potty, it just worked out for me. And they will tell everyone that I had fish once, but they all died within five hours of bringing them home and it traumatized me and it was more than likely what started pushing me over the edge and into this horrible place in my life. And then I will cry and ask for a whole cake and watch as the Humane Society steals all my precious kitties. Happy 27th birthday to me, right??
Number two: I am going to see the greatest American band ever in one week from today. This will be my fourth time to see Wilco, and I am so excited about it that you would think I was still a Wilco Concert Virgin. That’s what happens when it’s good, folks. It’s like the first time EVERY TIME. Oh baby.
Number three: I am moving in exactly 8 weeks to a cute little house that has been renovated by one of my bff’s. You know what it has? A yard!! You have no idea how excited about that I am! So now, when I have company over and Joey starts to embarrass me, I can kick her outside and not worry about a city bus hitting her! That’s because this house is in the middle of a small town south of Tulsa. I will no longer be living on the busiest street in the city. And! Guess what else! It is THREE blocks from the fire station. This is seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me. I get a yard, a house with hardwood floors, and eye candy. And I’ll also be saving a crap ton of money on rent which means even more shoes. Jesus really does love me. No but seriously, I feel very blessed at this point in my life.
